Lessons from Tantra - No1 Giving and Receiving / Mutual Touching / Top & Bottom

Barbara Carrellas in her book ‘Urban Tantra’ says that in tantric sex giving and receiving cannot be done at the same time. We cannot focus our full attention on two things at once. There needs to be periods when one is giving and the other receiving and vice versa. Being fully present in either the giving or receiving are at the heart of tantra. There is for me a powerful lesson here when we look at Mutual Touching in massage and what it means when men identify as Top or Bottom.

With western massages it is quite clear that when the massage starts, after the introductory conversation, it is the masseur/masseuse who gives the massage and mutual touching is not allowed and is therefore not an issue.  If we are talking about any massage where the masseur / masseuse is also naked we have a very different situation. Mutual touching may be allowed. Are there upsides and downsides to this situation and how might we navigate our way through?

UPSIDES

• It allows clients perhaps, to do what they already have in their minds. As I discussed when talking about naturist massage it may not be clear if what they do to their masseur is entirely for their own pleasure or whether they imagine they are giving the masseur pleasure.

• The masseur is able to do some body to body techniques that he could not do dressed

• It allows for different levels of intimacy which have been agreed when boundaries are set before the massage starts

DOWNSIDES

• Boundaries are not established and agreed upon before the massage starts

• The bigger issue is that clients, especially men, may be unable to relax into the massage, and simply experience it fully in the receiving. They want to do their bit, take part actively and may have thought about this before the massage. In this case they cannot be fully present in receiving the experience whilst their thoughts are distracted by what they are wanting to do to the masseur.

In western gay circles there are those who identify as tops or bottoms which is supposed to indicate something of their preferences in sex. It seems as though the giving and receiving are not done by both but are assigned to separate individuals.

Most of the men who come to me for massage are perfectly able to relax into it and receive the experience. There may be a little mutual touching and they may have indicated before we start what they want to receive. At the end they frequently drift away, sometimes for many minutes, as they rest in that state. I have always hoped that men receiving massage would enjoy the experience but might also take some of it into their sex and love-making. These are men able to receive from me. Have they discovered a pattern of giving and receiving in their sex and lovemaking?

A small number of my clients appear less able to simply receive, even if they have indicated what thy want. I sense they feel a need or opportunity to do something, which they might regard as them giving me pleasure, or might be them receiving pleasure in using my body. I don’t need to know.

I finish with a question and TANTRA thoughts from Barbara Carrellas: -

What was the most intense sexual experience you have ever had?

Did it come from giving or receiving?

“When you’re receiving, go totally into receiving. Receive it all.

When you’re giving, go totally into giving. Give everything.”